Postnatal Rage - Lauren's Story

Postpartum rage came as a surprise to me. 

I’d been told about the Baby Blues, postnatal depression and anxiety. But no one warned me my distress could show up as shouting, swearing or stomping, rather than the more talked-about tears and fears. There were no questions about being pissed off in the perinatal screenings…

But it turns out that feeling furious – with our partners, our kids or even ourselves – is an almost universal experience in motherhood. 

For me, it has surfaced as bellowing "Why won’t you sleep?" at a startled infant who woke again in the night, snapping at a preschooler who wouldn’t listen and seething at a partner whose life appeared comparatively unburdened by the responsibilities of parenting. Sound familiar?

I realised I wasn't alone

At first, these outbursts felt like a personality flaw. But when I opened up to other mums, it became clear they were all raging too. And there are reasons.

In my day job I’m a journalist, so I turned my professional curiosity to this very personal problem and began investigating maternal rage. I discovered so much I ended up writing a book! 

Of the 200 mums I surveyed for Meltdown: Why motherhood makes us angry and what to do about it, 97 per cent had experienced anger in parenting. 

Every expert I spoke to confirmed it was a common, and often reasonable, emotional reaction to the circumstances of modern mothering – a steep learning curve, massive identity shift, non-existent village, huge expectations etc.

Stigma keeps women silent 

Sleep deprivation was my worst trigger, as it was for 80 per cent of the women I surveyed. Hunger, pain, hormones, overstimulation and grief were other common factors.

Unfortunately, less than half the mums I surveyed had sought help from a GP, psychologist or even a counselling helpline about maternal anger. This usually comes down to stigma. 

Anger is linked closely for many with aggression, raising fears that others will think we pose a threat to our children.

Anger doesn't make you a bad parent 

But anger is an emotion. Aggression is just one way of expressing it. It is so important for new and expecting parents (and those around them) to know that getting mad doesn’t make you bad. Anger can be a valid response to the pressures we’re dealing with. The important thing is what we do about it.