The truth about anxiety and depression when having a baby 

For Jade, mum to baby Oscar, pregnancy and new motherhood were nothing like what she expected. 

With pregnancy in particular, you think about the things you see in the media with that pregnancy glow and it’s the ‘happiest time of your life,’ she says. “You’re looking forward to bringing a new person into the world. But the reality is there’s a lot of ups and downs with your hormones going crazy and I don’t think people talk much about the downside of it.”

While she had been looking forward to having a 'perfect round bump,' instead, Jade found herself struggling with her changing shape. “I felt awkward and uncomfortable like I was just ‘fat’. I didn’t look like a pregnant person until right at the end. My stomach wasn’t a nice shape – it was still lumpy and bumpy. I was quite self-conscious about the way I looked.”

It wasn’t just the physical challenges of pregnancy that Jade struggled with. “Looking back now, on the emotional side, I do think I was starting to get anxiety. It’s a big transition. I was starting to worry about all the things I was going to have to do as a mother and if was capable enough."

Jade, who describes herself as an anxious person, says her anxiety was heightened during pregnancy. “I was excited up until my first appointment with the midwives. They sort of just dumped everything on me and gave me all these pamphlets and all this information about birth. I began to feel really overwhelmed and quite scared.” 

Jade began doubting herself and her abilities, particularly around being a good enough mum.

“That had already started before I even became a mum. Going into labour you’re supposed to be relaxed, but I was very anxious. And it continued to get worse with every challenge I faced as a new mum.” 

Challenges after baby Oscar arrived

The challenges just kept coming after her little one was born. “My son was a terrible sleeper,” Jade says, adding that she didn’t know what was normal. 

I had this idea from media that babies just sleep at night. I was a bit naïve thinking that’s what it would be like.

When she asked for advice, Jade found herself feeling even worse when nothing seemed to work. “I had this constant feeling of not being good enough. And that was really hard for me because all I ever wanted was to be a mum. I thought it would be easy for me. What I really needed was the people around me to tell me it was normal and that I was doing a good job and that it would pass. Instead, the feedback I was getting was just try this and try that and this will fix your problems. I wasn’t getting the emotional support that I needed. I know that the people close to me were trying to help but it made me reach a breaking point.”

Jade recalls feeling like a failure. “I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t enjoying it at all. When you’ve looked forward to something your whole life and it’s nothing like you expected it to be, you just feel really ripped off.” 

It wasn’t until she completed a checklist that Jade realised she was experiencing postnatal depression and anxiety. “I started looking through and I ticked everything pretty much. It was a bit of a shock. I was in a bit of denial about it because that’s a really heavy thing to admit – I have depression and anxiety.”  

After speaking to her GP, she received a formal diagnosis. But even after asking for help, recovery wasn’t easy. “It’s a difficult thing to wrap your head around. I still didn’t want to accept that’s what it was.” 

While Jade explains that she wasn’t embarrassed about telling people and didn’t want to hide how she was feeling, she says it was hard to get the support she needed. “Even after being diagnosed, it was ‘go see a psych, go do it all yourself.” After having a poor experience with the first person she spoke to, Jade said she ignored it and it got worse. 

“Mental health is so important. And it continues to get worse, unless you’ve got the right support."

What would have helped

Jade says what she needed was someone to understand and validate her feelings.  

“I wanted someone to say actually what you’re going through is awful and it’s okay that it feels that way.” 

Jade own’s experience of feeling so alone is one reason she wanted to be part of COPE’s The Truth campaign.  

If I had someone similar to me sharing their experience and talking about how hard it was, it would have been so comforting to realise it’s not just me.

"I think a lot of mothers have similar feelings but don’t talk about it and that’s not helpful to the ones that are really struggling because they see other mums who look fine and you’re just struggling every single day."

“Being a mother is so much harder than I thought it would be. You lose yourself in the monotony of taking care of the baby. You get left behind and people don’t check in and see how you’re doing. They only care about the baby. It’s hard to have time for anything else but looking after the baby. I just completely lost myself. And you don’t know if it’s ever going to end. It’s just so overwhelming.” 

While her experience has left her wondering if she wants to have another baby, Jade admits, “There’s a part of you that just wishes you could do it all over again."

“[But] you can only focus on making it a good experience from this point. And know you tried your best and you got through it.”