Childbirth may not always go as planned

Unfortunately, childbirth doesn’t always go as we may have hoped for or expected. This can leave many parents feeling depleted, disappointed and in need of support.

“After all the anguish (of the birth) we had suffered, there was no happiness; I just felt cheated and bitter.  The baby in my hands was something I had been waiting all this time for, but now he was here, I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything for him.”

Mark Williams

In some cases, the birth event may have been quite dramatic. 

There may have been complications in the pregnancy or at the time of birth, and/or unplanned medical intervention may have been required. The baby may have arrived early or late. It may have been necessary for the baby to be taken into a special care nursery or taken away for tests – leaving you feeling confused and vulnerable and concerned for their welfare.  Some parents may, for various reasons end up leaving the hospital without their baby, if they require ongoing medical attention.

Trauma can occur without such an eventful birth too. You may have found yourself feeling powerless, out of control. You may have felt that your needs were not met, and that you needed more support than you received. This could have been at the time of the birth itself or relate to the care you received afterwards.

I felt so helpless and anxious. You don’t know what is happening and we were pushed towards an ending where we didn’t know what the outcome would be. I was in the background trying to help her (my wife) and didn’t realise what I was going through at the same time … It was a shock seeing someone you love being put through pain and torture.

These feelings may linger and become more intense. They may also be compounded by additional feelings of shock, frustration, disappointment and/or grief.  

If your birth experience has left you feeling distressed – you are not alone.

Emotions following a difficult birth 

Following a negative experience, you may find yourself feeling a range of emotions including shock, numbness, anxiety, anger, guilt, disappointment or resentment. Some parents describe feeling alone or isolated.

Due to having intervention at the end of labour, I think I was in shock and this needed to be addressed and discussed with me. I remember walking around for the first month feeling like I’d been hit by a bus and kept asking myself what happened? 

Following a difficult birth some people report difficulties bonding with their baby and wanting to avoid any personal contact or intimacy. Reflecting on the birth and/or talking about what happened can also be highly distressing. As a result, you may find yourself avoiding thinking or talking about your birth to avoid reliving the experience.

It's important to recognise and acknowledge your emotions. Let yourself feel whatever you feel and try to be kind to yourself.

A traumatic birth experience can greatly affect either partner, depending on their individual reactions to the experience. Both parents deserve support and help from extended family and friends. Even if your partner was in the room at the time, you may feel very differently to them about the experience. Sometimes, a partner may not be able initially to fully understand your feelings and process what you’ve gone through, as well as what they may have witnessed.

We all cope with situations differently and there's no wrong or right way to go about recovering from your experience.