Bonding with your baby

Bonding with a new baby is different for everyone

For some parents, having a baby marks the time when all their hopes and dreams have come true. You may feel an overwhelming and instant sense of love for your baby, and find yourself constantly watching, holding and touching them.  Many fathers particularly describe feeling great pride, wonder and protectiveness towards their baby.

That instant "rush of love", however, doesn't happen for everyone, despite images you may have seen in the media. For many reasons, (for example, experiencing a traumatic birth or your child arriving early), it may take some time to develop a connection with your baby. You're not alone if this is your experience. 

Some facts about bonding with a new baby

• Bonding does not necessarily happen instantly – it can take days, weeks or even months before you feel a connection with your baby.
• Taking time to bond with your baby is not uncommon – nor is it a sign that you are not a ‘good’ or ‘natural’ parent.
• Be aware – of what you are watching, reading and when talking to others about their experiences.
• Try to not put additional pressure on yourself – encourage your friends and supports to talk openly and honestly.
• Having difficulty bonding with your baby doesn't necessarily mean that you're experiencing postnatal depression - for some parents it simply takes longer.

Understanding secure attachment

Your attachment with your baby is important for your relationship – and also your baby’s development.

Research tells us that a secure attachment relationship helps to build the foundation for your baby’s positive sense of self, feeling safe, and developing the capacity to cope with distress.

Babies form attachments to significant carers in their lives, usually their parents, but also with other people such as their siblings, grandparents, other relatives and those paid to provide childcare.  

Attachment research suggests a baby’s early positive experience with their parents and carers enables them to use their relationship as a ‘secure base’ from which to explore the world.  This secure base also provides your baby with a foundation for secure attachment in their future relationships.  In turn this also has a positive effect on their ability to explore, grow and develop.

Strategies to help you bond with your baby

Some ways to help develop a secure attachment include:

• Reliably and sensitively responding to your baby’s cues for comfort when they cry or are distressed. You can do this by holding and cuddling, talking, smiling, and gently rocking your baby.
• Imagining how your baby may experience the world: try to take time to see the world from their point of view.
• Taking time to delight in your baby and their experience.
• Getting to know your baby as a person and thinking of them as a unique little person (as opposed to simply ‘a baby’).
• Engaging in play, massage and talking with your baby will not only stimulate their senses, but also build a strong, positive connection between you both.

A relationship is a two-way street. Go gently with yourself as you develop and nurture your bond in the first few months. 

If you feel concerned about your bond with your baby, you can seek professional help.